Life.....

has been......well sort of crazy I suppose. Lots of bad and good things have happened to me in the last month. And honestly, the good are kind of weighing out any of the bad. Let's hope this continues.

Changes.

I have found myself in a weird situation over the last couple of weeks. I have always been one to follow my heart and not always what my gut and brain are telling me to do. My entire life growing up, my mom would always tell me that if I ever lied to her about something she would always find out about it. Because "the truth always comes out".

And as much as I hate to admit when my mother is right........she usually is 95% of the time.

I'm not going to blog to the world details but I made a very big decision on Friday that would have affected my life forever had I not gone through with it. I'm ok. I'm actually not very upset at all. And I think that just makes it 100% clear to me that I had no business thinking I was ready for something with someone I can't trust at all.

I'm a strong and independent woman and I'm going to be just fine.

Rut, rut, rut.

That is what I'm in. I have been a little bit better the last few days. It's hard to be upbeat when you are stuck in a situation that no one seems to want to resolve but you. I can't pretend that things are fine when they're not. I have never been that kind of person and I just can't bring myself to really ever be that way. It's not who I am.

Argh.

I'm at my breaking point. And the worse part is....my heart is what's breaking the most. Ugh.

If Megan Fox  didn't annoy me before, she does even more NOW. Her acting ability is mediocre and while she is pretty, that's really all that she's known for. I used to think she was pretty cute until I watched an interview with her when Transformers was about to come out into theaters. She talks like a complete idiot and I just can't understand what the fuss is about her! I'm not going to lie, I definitely lol'd when I heard the rumors that she had a big toe for a thumb. Turns out she just has "toe-like" thumbs as seen here.

The reason I'm annoyed with her now is because she has been getting all of this press for the fact that people still can't believe she is married! Cause she is just not old enough and blah, blah, blah. She's 24 and Brian Austin Green is what. 36? 37? I think that's why people are making a big deal out of it. Oh, Hollywood drama.

That's my rant for the day.

Remember when?

A friend of mine turned 27 today which only brought on the annoying reminder that I too will soon follow suit in exactly 3 months and 7 days. It of course makes me freak out a little bit and think that the last ten years have completely flashed before my eyes. In all reality, of course it hasn't. There were times when days seemed to take years to go by but of course when you look back it seems like it went by so much faster.

I remember when I was younger and thought that 25 was so far away and here I am about to turn 27. 

Well, you know what they say, age ain't nothing but a NUMBAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Why get married? It's just a piece of paper."

I had someone at work ask me that exact question last night. I was kind of caught off guard and I didn't really exactly know how to respond to her. I guess for some people, maybe it really is just a piece of paper. We live in a world where the symbolism of marriage has become so tainted for so many people. The divorce rate has steadily been either close to or at 50% for most of my life. But I also think that sometimes the rate is that high because we as a society (for the most part) want to be loved. We are taught from a very young age through movies and television that certain feelings we experience are the foundation for relationships and that the next step from there IS marriage.

I have been thinking a lot about what my co-worker said. She was married once before to her high school sweetheart. They started dating when they were very young and got married at 21. She told me the marriage lasted for less than a year because she caught him cheating on her with another woman. Since then, the concept of marriage has been tainted for her. She told me that it literally disgusts her at the thought of being married to someone. As I was listening to her explain her heartache, I could completely understand where she was coming from.

There was a previous relationship with ex #3 that I really and truly thought that the two of us were going to end up getting married. We dated off and on for 5 and a half years and I guess at that point you either get married or you break up, ya know? It got to the point for me that I knew if he were to ask me to marry him, I honestly couldn't see myself having a life with him anymore and I knew it was time to move on from that relationship. And that is exactly what I did. I am very grateful that I didn't marry him.

So I guess now I am finding myself pondering the reasons why I personally want to marry Mac. It hasn't been my dream since I was a little girl to get married and have the big fancy wedding that everyone would be jealous of. To me, our wedding is going to be a celebration of our love and us finding each other.  It was kind of hard to try to explain my reasons to my co-worker last night, because she kept saying that "you don't have to be married to be in love, live together, or have kids". While this may be a true statement these days, I guess I just feel differently about that. My parents have been married for almost 34 years and they got married at 20 years old! These days people get married at 18 and 20 and are often divorced by the time they are 25.

I think probably because people change and grow into themselves differently. You either grow together as a couple or you grow apart. Now I am not knocking anyone I know that has gotten divorced at any point in their life but I would hope that they could at least see where I am coming from.

If you don't want it to be public, don't post it on Facebook.

Seriously. I get really tired of the fact that people post stuff on their profiles and then get all bent out of shape when people find out about it. If you don't want anyone to know that you knocked up your girlfriend and that's why you're marrying her....DON'T POST IT PUBLICLY on Facebook and expect no one to find out about it. I am not going to pretend I don't find myself snooping around on there every now and then to see what people are up to that I don't talk to anymore.


Come on, we ALL do it. Some of us call it snooping and others call it "research". Lol. Either way, we are all guilty of it. I happen to have my profile private because I feel like if you are my friend, then you are important enough to keep tabs on me and know what is going on in my life. The Internet for me is a way of keeping in contact with people I don't get to see everyday or haven't seen in a long time. Whatever. For me it's a way to keep myself entertained. I don't have a profile to show off or brag about myself. It's purely for entertainment.


It kind of makes me miss the days where the only thing causing drama over the Internet was over instant messaging. Those were the days. When life was simple. :)

Once an asshole, always an asshole.

I have always been the type of person that believes that everyone should get second chances. In some cases those second chances might turn into third or fourth chances depending on the situation. Regardless, I find myself to be a pretty forgiving person....sometimes TOO forgiving. I hate to think of this as a flaw because the ability to forgive is a GOOD thing, however, I feel like I still can't learn when someone is undeserving of my friendship until I get burned multiple times.

Today I had another reminder from a guy I used to consider a very close friend years and years ago. We haven't spoken in about 2 and a half years. I found out through mutual friends that he is engaged and has a baby on the way. I will be the first to admit that I was very shocked. He hasn't exactly been one to have his life together. Maybe now everything is working out for him and if so good for him!

I received a message from this old "friend" today and it was just to say something mean and completely hateful. It honestly, caught me off guard because I didn't expect it. I thought maybe he had something nice to say. Nope, of course not. Still the same asshole he always was. Just reminded me why I cut him out of my life in the first place. 

With everyday that passes, it's hard not to just sit back and reflect a minute or two on how much has changed in my life and what has brought me to where I am today.

I am glad I made a lot of stupid (STUPID) mistakes in my life because I learned a lot about myself through them. Mostly relationship mistakes are the ones that tend to stick with me the most. I tend to be one of those who "forgive but never forget". But nonetheless, I am glad these things happened to me even if at the time it was  sometimes horrific for me to deal with.

I am ME and I'm proud of it.

Epworth United Methodist Church

Mac and I had an appointment yesterday afternoon with his pastor at Epworth in Franklin. We took a tour of the historic church and the new location to decide where we want to have the wedding. I fell in the love with the new location and it got me a little excited about it. It made me feel a little bit nervous as well actually talking with him and talking about prepping for wedding plans. We are trying to plan everything a little at a time and get the church and reception location set in stone as soon as possible. Those are the two biggest things to worry about and then everything else will fall into place. *Hopefully!*

We plan to start house hunting soon. For now we have just been browsing online, taking a peek at houses in our price range and there are quite a few to choose from. Like several hundreds of houses. We plan to stay in Spring Hill because that will put us close to our families. We both have also grown up here and we really like the area.

Three weeks later and I still can hardly believe we are taking the next step in our relationship. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

But this has never felt more right than anything else in my life. Crazy! But in a good way! :)

:D

I had the day off today and I spent the majority of it looking up various wedding information. Researching catering companies and bakeries and photographers. I am almost positive we found someone to cater the wedding. It just depends on how many people will for sure be coming to the wedding. I stumbled upon an amazing photographer tonight and I am pretty sure we will be using him! Just have to see what Mac thinks of his work. It's totally in our price range and the wedding packages are by far better than anything else I have looked at.

I achieved the following so far:
- My half of the guest list.
- Potential Caterer (Enchanted Events Catering)
- Potential Wedding Cake (The Sweetest Day)
- Engagement/Wedding Photographer (Check him out! Epic Image of Nashville)

My mom is stressing me out a little. She keeps suggesting things that we don't want. She and my dad aren't even paying for the wedding so I'm not exactly sure why she's hounding me about the cost of things. (Gotta love my MOTHER!) My parents decided years ago that they felt it was more important for my sister and I to have a nice home when the time came for us to get married. So they plan to help fund our down payment on a house rather than to pay for a wedding. They plan to match half of what we can save ourselves. I think that sounds like a pretty good deal!

I just want to start planning this all a little at a time to try to prevent me from a stress overload. We are meeting at Mac's family church on Thursday to take a tour and meet with the minister. I have already seen a few pictures of the historic church and it got me pretty excited about this being the right location choice.

Ready, set, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Let the wedding planning begin!

Almost three weeks later and I'm still sorta in shock about this whole engagement thing. We haven't really thought about much planning just yet other than setting up an appointment to take a look at Mac's family's church in Franklin. We are wanting to of course do this wedding as cheap as possible because we are also house hunting as well now. The day is about us and not about how much money we can spend on it to impress people. That is soooooooooooo not me!

For now, all I have done is contact some catering companies about pricing information and I also took a look at what it is going to cost to make my wedding invitations. (Which I am soooo stoked to get started on, even though I don't need to worry about those right now!) We are going to have to save money for a down payment on a house and a wedding so I'm sure this year is going to be a little stressful for us. We had agreed to pay off any debts we had before getting married and we are more than halfway done with that. My SUV will be paid off in April and my credit cards are just about paid off to that lovely $0 balance I have been working so hard to get to.

Wish me luck. I'm trying to not get stressed about money so I'm going to have to do whatever I can to keep myself calm and collected.

I'm engaged!

Most of the online world already knows but I can't help but say it again. It just feels so weird. I've been engaged for almost 6 days now. My ring was done two days early getting sized so I got to pick it up today. I got there two minutes after they were officially closed but they let me pick up my ring anyway! I was sooooooooo glad! Props to the people over at Genesis Diamonds in Cool Springs. After going to five different stores, the fiance
(that's soooooooooooooooo weird to say!) decided to buy my ring there. I love, love, love what he picked out. I always knew I didn't want a huge ring and he picked out the perfect size for me.

I am so excited for the next step in our relationship. It's definitely an amazing feeling when you know you've found the one. I was so shocked and the engagement was so unexpected! Our 2 year anniversary was July 25th (Everyone always says it seems like we've been together longer but we've been friends for 6 years. So maybe that's why.) so we decided to celebrate by going out of town the week after to Gatlinburg for 4 days. The funny thing is that I got him a card for his birthday which was the day before our anniversary as well as an anniversary card. He didn't get me a card at all and I was so hurt that he forgot to get one. Little did I know that 3 weeks prior he asked my parents permission to marry me.

We got engaged on July 28th and I've been in shock ever since. I'm excited and a little overwhelmed already but I'm so happy because I know that in a year I will be marrying my best friend.

This picture doesn't do the ring justice but I took a picture with my phone at night. So I will take another with my camera in the daytime.

Just another manic Monday.....

Monday was a crazy day for me at work. Usually, Mondays are somewhat steady in the retail world for me but are not out of control busy. It was nearing the end of my shift and I was playing catch-up with a lot of the tasks I was trying to get accomplished for the day before I had to leave. I happened to look up for a quick second towards the front doors and what should my wondering eyes happen to see? Ex #2 walking through the front doors with his new girlfriend (who is around 18 or 19 years old....by the way he's 30).

9 years ago he and I met working where I am now. He was 21 at the time and I was 17. It wasn't until I turned 18 that he even considered dating me. (Should have been a red flag to me at the time, but hey, what did I know back then? He had tattoos and drove a cool car and was 4 years older than I was!) The last time I saw him was two summers ago when I agreed to go to dinner with him after he had legally separated from his then wife. He wanted to make amends and catch up and I saw no harm in it so I went. Shortly after that Mac and I started dating so I hadn't seen Ex #2 other than some brief conversing via the Facebook world.

When I saw him walk in, my heart just kind of dropped. It is almost as if I can put myself back to all those years ago when he and I were still together. I can remember the relationship like it was yesterday. (Unfortunately!) He didn't see me, but my co-worker noticed him the same time I did. He went on to talk to another co-worker he happens to still be really good friends with and then he started to make his way over to my department. We made eye contact and he did the dramatic turn around to try to pretend he didn't see me. At that point I couldn't help but laugh out loud. It's been 7 years since our breakup and 2 years since we had seen each other on GOOD terms and he can't even offer a simple wave or "hello". Shortly after that his new girlfriend came over and stared me down as I was helping a group of customers.


I find the whole situation funny because now at least he knows I work there again and probably won't want to risk another "awkward" chance of running into me again. Saves me the fake polite conversation, I suppose!

Baby fever is definitely kicking in for me......

Hardcore.

Work has been nuts. Therefore so has my life in general. I have been so super exhausted that I haven't had time to work out, see my friends, see my boyfriend, or RELAX, or get a full night's sleep. Starting this week we will once again have a full manager staff.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!


That is all.

Hi, my name is Amber and I'm addicted to my Blackberry.

In the fall of 2008, I was excited about my upcoming upgrade I was eligible for with AT&T. For years, I had always chose your basic flip phone without all the bells and whistles other expensive phones had to offer. I never felt that I had a need for anything fancy. The year before, the ex-boyfriend had purchased an i-Phone shortly after they first came out. And I will be the first to admit that I was super jealous of all that it could do but at the same time it made me feel so technologically challenged that I had such a hard time operating it! I soon decided that a phone like this was not for me. He had given me his old cell phone and I was content with having something newer than what I had at the time.

So when it was finally time for my upgrade I contemplated the many choices of phones I had to choose from. I decided to try a Blackberry. And ever since then, I've been addicted to my phone. Email, internet, picture messaging, texting, and video all at my fingertips? Awesomeness!

The boyfriend: "Hey, what are you doing on your phone? Did you hear anything I just said?"

Me: "Huh? What? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I didn't hear a thing you said."

The boyfriend: "Seriously, I'm trying to have a conversation with you! Can you please put your phone up?"

Me: "Hold on, I have to finish updating my Facebook status. I'm almost done!"

I'm constantly connected to the world at my fingertips and it's hard not to get sucked in to the Blackberry (Crackberry) phenomenon. I use my phone more for everything else other than phone calls. The free applications only fuel my addiction and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon!

 

Best. Blog. Ever.

I'm a HUGE fan of Jen Lancaster's books and her blog is just as hysterically laugh out loud funny. Her latest book just arrived in the mail for me today and I can't wait to crack into it. She's awesome. Check her out!

Somewhat of a rant.

It's always refreshing to see people show their true colors AFTER you're not around for them to say anything to your face. *insert sarcasm here* It isn't that I really care what people have to say about me but at the same time I feel like if you're going to say something at least have the decency to not run your mouth like a teenager.

I have never in my life had to deal with such a two faced grown adult MALE that enjoys putting down others so that he feels much better about himself. It only makes me feel much better about the recent decisions I made in my life regarding my change of work environment! Probably one of the best decisions I have made for myself in a very, very long time. The only good thing I can say that came away from this is that I finally have grown the backbone I have been trying to find for years now. It has made me a stronger and more vibrant individual!

Life lessons learned and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not the slightest bit bitter about the backlash I am hearing. Because I am and anyone that knows me understands that it takes me a little while to get over being treated badly by people. But it's ok. I'm in a much better place now. Emotionally, mentally, and physically.

One day everything will come full circle and he will finally understand that it's not nice to treat those around you like they're scum. It doesn't make you anymore of a man to put down and talk crap about a WOMAN or anyone else for that matter.

You might be over six feet tall, but I will always see you for the wimpy little boy you really are.

Currently reading.

Paul McCartney.....live in Nashville!

FINALLY!!! July 26th! I am sooooooooooooooooo stoked. I just found out about it today and I'm not sure how I didn't before. My dad and I went to see him last year in Atlanta and it was amazing. We were far from the stage and I was a little disappointed at it raining outside halfway through the concert. But I was still so blown away from seeing him live that I cried through the first few songs! I just was in shock that I was getting to experience this.

So I spent a little more than I had planned for these tickets for my dad and I but it will be soooooooooooooo worth it. I knew that if I didn't buy them I would regret not spending the extra money later. I bought two VIP tickets with some extra money I had stashed away from a sales bonus I got a couple of months ago. Totally worth it.

Let the countdown begin!!!!!

Late night boredom.

I've got a ton of things on my mind but I can't narrow it down to what I want to write about so I shall fill this entry with a survey stolen from Yoj.

Name the first grown up book you read. I read "Rose Madder" by Stephen King. The book freaked me out so bad and gave me nightmares. I believe I was 13 years old. I was trying to move up from reading my normal Christopher Pike and R. L. Stine books.

Name one song that you love but are embarrassed to admit it. There are soooooooo many of those. I love Hanson despite all the backlash I used to get for listening to them when I was younger. I STILL like them. They're good song writers and even better as adults. I made Mac go see them in concert with me back in October. Don't be hatin'.

What was the best meal of your life? Hmmmmm......I am not sure I've had the best meal of my life just yet.

What was the first concert you ever saw? My dad took me to see Hanson when I was 13.

If you have any pets what are their names? Two cats. I share custody of them with the 'rents. Zoe - 8 and Shelby - 6.

Name one album I should listen to. Hmmmmmm, I love new music. I would love a recommendation by a fellow music lover. 

Name one movie you hated. I cannot stand "Dude, Where's My Car". I went to see it at the dollar theater we used to have in Cool Springs. And a friend of mine and I walked out because it was so horrible!

If you could punch one celebrity in the face, who would you punch? Just one? Dang. Heidi Montag. But only because she just had all that work done. Heh. (Jeanna, I have to agree. I think I would like to punch Spencer Pratt just a bit more.)

What is/was your favorite sitcom ever? As a kid it was Saved By the Bell and Full House. Still kind of is. I can always pick up and watch those any time!


What is/was your favorite reality show ever? I was a big fan of the Real World from '97 to the early 2000's and then I just stopped watching. I was big into American Idol when it first came on but now I could care less.

What is your favorite music video of all time? Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel

Name a book you just quit reading in the middle, something you just could not get through. "A Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maguire. It's the third book in the Wicked series and it was just so bad I couldn't finish. I love all of his books but this one just sucked it hard.

Is there an author that you have read everything that he or she has written? I can't say that I have yet of one author.

What book made you laugh so hard you embarrassed yourself? All 3 of Chelsea Handler's books. I love that bitch! Also, "I Was Told There'd Be Cake" by Sloane Crosby.

What is you guiltiest, guilty pleasure song? Justin Timberlake, "Rock Your Body"

What is the best new album you have heard this year? I am sad to say that I haven't listened to much of anything new this year.

Name one song that changed your life. I can't pick one song. But listening to the Beatles changed my life. Been a fan ever since I was 5. Proud to say I decided to enjoy them before it was "cool".

What is your favorite song of all time? "In My Life" by you guessed it! The Beatles!

What is your lucky number? I don't have one actually.

If you could fly anywhere in the world this weekend where would you go? The U.K. to see my British buddies! I miss them so much!

When you were little, what did you wish your first name was? I always wanted my name to be Jessica or Jennifer or Lindsey. Which is lame because everyone has that name!

What song did you dance to at your wedding? (if applicable) I haven't decided on this just yet. But it will be a Beatles song. Because it just wouldn't be me if it wasn't.

What kids show makes you want to poke your own eyes out?Hannah Montana. I love some of the other Disney shows but that one is just.....ugh.

If you had to make out with someone from a children’s television show who would you pick? Joe Jonas. Haaaaaaaaaaaaa. He's hot....what?

What is the best thing you have ever won? I won a $200 savings bond for an essay I wrote about the three C's of credit for Mrs. Davis' Economics class senior year. And in 2 years it will mature to it's full value! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Name a place that you have never been that you would like to visit? I have never been to California or Chicago.


What is your favorite blog to visit? I love me some Surburban Turmoil.

Name three occupations that you think you might like. A superhero. An abstract artist. A photographer.

Sleepless nights = no bueno

It's 4:28 a.m. and I have to start getting for work in exactly 32 minutes. I worked until 10 and got home 15 minutes later. Got tired and attempted to lay down for bed. And yeah, as you can see that was completely unsuccessful.

This week so far has been kind of crazy. I started back at my new (old/original) store on Monday and I have sooooooo much work to do. I have to admit that I'm a little bit overwhelmed. I knew it was a little messy and I needed to do a basic overhaul of the department but I had no idea it was in such bad shape. We're short handed management wise, so for now I'm stuck closing more than I normally do. That makes it kind of hard to really get anything done. Plus, I have to get used to working in a high volume store again. Much busier than I remember it to be!

Closing all the time has also of course put Mac and I on opposite schedules. He closes when I have an early shift and I close when he's off or has an early shift. Go figure! So we haven't been able to spend any time together this week at all.

But overall, I am kind of excited about my new "project". I can't wait to see the finished product even though it's going to be a sloooooooooooooow process. Lots of broken things that I'm not really sure how to fix. (Lucky for me that my dad is an electrician and knows how to do a lot of plumbing! Comes in handy when having to fix a huge 3,100+ gallon fish system!)

I'll probably be M.I.A. for the next month working so hard. I have pretty much been worn out every single day I have left work this week. (And yet, I'm still awake?) I'm so looking forward to my two days off in a row and a 4 day work week next week. Though, I have a ton of stuff I could be doing at work!

Wish me luck at keeping sane these next few weeks! :)

Today ends a chapter of my life. Another begins on Monday. ;)

I heart my job.

I've worked for PetSmart for going on 9 years now. (Who knew a part-time job in high school would turn out to be my career?) But I loooooooooooooove my job. I wanted to share a few videos to show you the fun parts I get to have almost every single day when I'm at work.

Enjoy.

Chinchilla dust bath.





Baby Guinea Pigs and their mommy. (Note: This was a mommy that came to us preggers, we don't promote this!)





Two Sun Conures we had that were pretty much in love. The one inside the cage, we are pretty sure is a girl and the one outside was a boy. Watch how the female acts!





This is the same female Sun Conure doing her daily dance every time someone comes up to pay her some attention. Too cute!

The aftermath.

This summer has been off to a crazy start. The torrential rain that flooded nearly the entire state of Tennessee. We have even MORE rain yesterday and the day before and I have heard it was several inches again in some areas.

A week ago, my friend Larissa and I went and volunteered through Hands on Nashville to do some flood clean up in the area of Bellevue. We weren't sure what to expect but knew that it was going to be both physically and mentally hard for us to do. The 40 minute drive turned into over an hour from Spring Hill due to most of the roads I knew to get to Bellevue were closed from the damage from the flooding. We finally arrived at the meeting point with Cross Point Church and waited to be sent to our clean up site. I was pretty nervous because I have never volunteered for something like this before.

We were grouped together with 6 other people and headed to our clean up site at around 10:30 a.m. I immediately noticed how the roads were covered in caked dry mud as we were sitting at the light to get onto I-40. A car was sitting at a gas station covered in dried mud. And the trees were caked with it almost to the top. The was how high the water got that trapped over 7,000 people in the area. Unbelievable.

When we first got to the neighborhood, the first several streets were totally untouched by the dangerous flood waters. But the rest of the neighborhood got hit so hard and were damaged beyond belief. The entire street looked like this with piles and piles of their damaged belongs outside in the front lawn.

This was 5 days after the rain stopped. Most of these houses were still underwater 2 to 3 days before we were here. People were still being rescued by boat and most of this area, if not all, did not have power or cell phone service. The smell of mold was getting worse because the temperature outside had been at least 85 degrees for most of the week. But people had already been making incredible progress gutting their houses and cleaning up and beginning to move on.

There is a creek and a walking trail that runs behind this neighborhood which unfortunately was the cause to most of the flooding. The first house we went to was two stories, so luckily they didn't lose as much as most people but they still lost a lot. We talked to one of the neighbors and she described to us just how fast the water rose. She said that the rain started out slowly and didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary until she saw the water rising through the fence in her backyard. She said it slowly began to creep up to the back of her house and in a matter of 30 minutes the lower level of her house began flooding. :(

The first house we went to had already been gutted.

The family that lived here had a little boy that was probably around 7 years old that was right there with us tearing out dry wall and pulling nails. He was so upbeat about fixing up his house for his parents. It was heartbreaking and very uplifting at the same time to see a child so willing and moving on even after he lost his bike and other toys that had been damaged.

Larissa and I then were taken to another part of the neighborhood with the church volunteer and the job we were given was not one we expected to get. We had to go door to door to about 30 houses with forms to help organize more of the clean up efforts for the rest of the weekend. The majority of these houses didn't even have front doors or windows, so we basically had to walk in each house to introduce ourselves to total strangers that had lost everything they owned. Most of the houses on these streets had only been one level and the water had risen to about 5 to 6 feet inside.

I figured that since we deal with strangers everyday at work that it was probably best that Larissa and I were the ones doing this out of our clean up team. People cried and thanked us so much for asking and it was hard to keep it together. Seeing people's positive spirits even though they lost everything....I really can't even describe in enough words how it made me feel.

Our last project of the day was even harder. We had to sort through various books, pictures, documents, letters, etc. and lay them out to dry in the sun. Most were going to be able to be salvaged but we had to be very careful not to tear anything. This lady had boxes and boxes of scrapbook supplies that had to be thrown out because there was no way to save them. The only belongings that remained were a dresser, dishes, a kitchen table and chairs, and a TV cabinet. Her house was only one story and she lost pretty much everything she owned. But fortunately, a lot of her personal momentos we were able to save for her.

She came over to me to ask how her pictures looked and hugged me and thanked me for being so delicate with her personal items. She started to cry and told me how much she just wanted her house back. She has two children in elementary school and most of their toys and clothes were completely washed away in the flood waters. It was so incredibly hard to have to go through someone's personal belongings like this.

Every house basically looked like this. Even in all of the devastation and chaos, it was emotionally draining to see all of these images in person instead of on TV and the Internet. But it was even more amazing to talk to these people and have them thank you so much for just coming out to help even if we weren't helping them directly. We were helping someone in their community and it meant something to every single person there. I am glad we were given the chance to have a part in helping to clean up our wonderfully amazing state. And I hope to be able to do much, much more when I'm not working.

And the phrase everyone's saying shouldn't be "We Are Nashville". It should be "We Are TENNESSEE!"

<3

Happiness is.....

being able to laugh all the time. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Tennessee Flood - May 2010

The last several days have just been so hard for me to wrap my head around. The flooding in Tennessee is so horrific and I break down in tears every time I see footage of the damage. Several counties are still considered dangerous flood zones because the water has not gone down enough. I feel very, very, very thankful to be alive and to have all of my family, pets, friends, and belongings safe from the flood. It literally breaks my heart into pieces to know about all of the people that have lost everything and have lost family members, friends, and pets.

With the world of social networking, it's been a great way for all of us to keep each other informed and connected to what has happened to our home. I am proud to be from a state where everyone has come together so quickly to do what they can to help. People risking their lives in the flood waters to save other people. Unbelievable.

But for now, the recovery has begun. Still many without power and water but everyone is pitching in to help. I volunteered today at the Second Harvest Food Bank of Middle TN to sort through food that will be put together for flood victims. It was a lot of work but it really was awesome to see a group of 40 something strangers get together and work together so quickly to go through pallets and pallets and pallets of food.

Friday is going to be a lot harder for me. My friend and co-worker, Larissa, and I are going to Bellevue, TN to help with flood debris cleanup. It was one of the hardest hit areas and from what I have already seen on TV, the residents really need the help sorting through their belongings. It's going to be a lot of hard work but I am glad that I can help in any way I can.

I love my state.

(Picture from tennessean.com)

Today just made my day....

To be told you're awesome at what you do is one of the best feelings in the world. I love my job and I love it even more when others can appreciate me for what I work so hard to do 5 days a week. This is one of my favorite animals I got to take care of since I've been at my current store.

My favorite part of the job is getting to deal with super cute critters like this little guy we had last summer. He was the sweeeetest baby bird and went home with a great family. This is just one of many reasons why I love coming to work everyday. :)

She & Him

I feel incredibly blessed with my life despite the bumps in the road I find myself presented with. I am getting better at learning from these "bumps" rather than dwelling on why they happened over and over again. Mac has really helped me realize this over the last 2 years of our relationship as a couple and our 6 year friendship. He puts up with every flaw and I'm ever so GRATEFUL to him for that. ;)

I just love this.

I have been a fan of Kurt Halsey's work now for the last 6 or 7 years. I absolutely cannot help but smile really, really, really big at this piece! It is just too sweet. ; )

Reflection.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. I do this a LOT anyway but a lot more than normal. I have contemplated for years about what sort of field of writing I want to go into. (Hence, the reason for getting my degree in Journalism!) I can remember deciding when I was a young pre-teen that I wanted to write something someday that would help people, particularly, young girls and teens and all of the issues of self-esteem/self-image/etc. I have often worried that my writing wouldn't be good enough or maybe that people wouldn't be able to learn anything from it. (There I go again, doubting myself!) I guess I find myself doing this because I automatically assume that no one would want to read what I have to say. (Don't ask me why!?)

For the last 13 years, I have consistently written in a journal documenting my daily life. I even have two diaries from 4 years before that from when I was still in elementary school. I have written documentation of my life and not many people can say that they do. I have about 14 journals full of so many things that have happened to me. Especially, during my teenage/early adulthood years. Some of it I find HYSTERICALLY funny and some of it makes me bawl my eyes out. I always thought that one day I would do something with these journals and somehow turn them into an outlet for sharing my experiences with people going through/or have gone through similar things.

I find it to be a really scary thought as to how to go about putting a piece of my work out there for the world to see but I realize that in today's world it's MUCH easier to do with the help of the Internet. I bought a new journal last week to start re-writing about my past experiences and reflecting on how they have helped to shape me into the person that I am today. I wrote about ten pages just within 30 minutes. It's amazing how I can put a pen to paper like that and all the memories just start pouring out. The time period in my life I decided to write about was my first serious relationship in high school and the emotions just seemed to hit me all at once and it's been almost ten years since the relationship ended.

I am not saying that I had to undergo something different from anyone else but I guess my willingness to talk about it has changed a lot now that I'm 26 years old. Talking about the past for me has always been my own sort of personal therapy sessions. Even if I am writing it down in my daily personal journal. I am hashing out memories not to dwell on what happened to me, but to make light of how these situations impacted my life for the good and the bad. I'm ready to finally put my talent to good use. So here I go!

Until next time, my friends.

Wine + Phineas and Ferb = my Saturday night in with the boyfriend

The flavor that keeps you guessing....

is a horribly disgusting idea. Flavor changing gum? Who came up with this shit? Someone at work gave me a piece to try a couple of weeks ago and it left the foulest taste in my mouth ever.

That is all.

A neverending battle......

My mom 9 out of 10 ten times treats me like her worst enemy. Menopause has not treated me well and I'm not the one going through it.

It's frustrating and hurtful and I am soooo tired of dealing with it.

She makes me feel like a 26 year old loser, even though I know that I'm not. Nice, isn't it?

She battles with me worse than she did when I was a teenager.

My 24 year old sister treats me basically the same way that my mom does. We basically have a non-existent relationship.

My dad, my boyfriend, my best friends are the only ones I can count on.

I want to hope I will wake up one day and it will all change. But I have been waiting this long and it has only gotten worse. I don't want to be one of the people that doesn't have a good relationship with their family. But it's steadily heading into that direction.

Talking about it with my mother = POINTLESS. She only nags at me on a daily basis to tell me that I have to fix my relationship with my sister but in reality my mom played a big role in putting the strain on the relationship in the first place. To the point where the two of them are best friends and I am just standing here in the shadows. I've gotten so used to being in the shadows for sooooo long that I almost don't even care.

Maybe one day I will care. But as each day passes, I just start to care less and LESS.

Writer's block.

In attempt to cure both boredom and writer's block. I stole this from a fellow blogger.

Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far: I had just started driving and got into a pretty bad car accident where I over corrected myself and ended up flipping my parents' van onto it's side. The back window had to be busted out for me to get out. I have three scars on my right knee where I had to crawl through glass. Definitely, one of the scariest moments in my life.

If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be? I really don't have any particular book I can pick as my absolute favorite so I really don't know!

If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress? I'm not a typical girl. Looking sexy isn't important to me at all. I dress up for ME not for my guy or anyone else. I feel the sexiest wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Seriously!

Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like? I would like to be stuck in an elevator with Conan O'Brien or Chelsea Handler. Um.....least like......wow, so many people I just don't like. Ha, ha.

Have you told your partner about all of your past relationships? Mac and I were friends before we were a couple and we knew a lot about each other's past relationships already before getting together. I have nothing to hide.

What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most? My guy dresses super nice and I love it! He cares about his appearance so it's hard to say what I like seeing him wear the most when he always looks good! ;)


What was the most recent movie that made you cry? I haven't sat down and watched a movie lately. We went to see Date Night last night and I laughed so hard I cried. Does that count?


If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be? Hmmmmmmm.....there are times when I miss high school and my teenage years where things seemed to be sooooo much easier. But then again, I am excited more for what the future has in store for me.

You can cast any actor now alive to play you in a film about your life. Whom would you cast in the role? It would have to be someone that could do all of my ridiculous facial expressions when I tell stories. So....who knows! Any suggestions?

If you could have one superpower, which would you choose? Time traveling. For sure.

You can choose your last meal. What will the menu consist of? Something horribly fattening and greasy.


If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose? LOST! I would never get bored, that's for sure!

If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform? I would probably be best at being a clown. Cause I can be both creepy and goofy at the same time if I try hard enough.


You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What would you do? I would probably find a very big, hard stick to smack them in the head with.


A dear friend is in agony and wants you to help him to die. Would you? That is not something I could EVVVEEERRRRRRR do. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did.

What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Technology. Cell phone and my laptop I simply cannot live without.

Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call? Hopefully, I wouldn't be alone and I'd make Mac go investigate.


If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish? I don't believe in wishes! They always end up bad!


If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do? I would have to spend it with the people that mean the most to me.

What's the worst thing about being your gender? Having a period HANDS DOWN. I was so lucky to be genetically blessed with the most vicious cramps in the universe. Thanks, mom! I usually am down for the count 1 to 2 days each month because I am in so much damn pain I can't even move.


What is the strangest dream you've ever had? When I was a kid, I was pretty obsessed with watching SNICK every Saturday night on Nickelodeon. I would watch "Are you afraid of the dark?" and it would cause me to have the most ridiculous dreams. I had a dream that someone came to my parents' house to kill me and I was shot in the stomach as soon as I opened the door. And then I became a ghost and I had to watch the killer bury all of my friends my parents landscaping in the backyard. It was all lumpy and uneven from the bodies.


Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before? With true love, I really believe that there are points of heart break that you almost have to endure in order to prove that either your relationship is going to work or it isn't. Of course there are different levels of heartbreak and I am not talking about the obviously bad ones like cheating on a partner, abusing them, etc. I can't imagine not ever having loved anyone even though I have fallen in and out of the love with the wrong people at different points in my life. They were still learning experiences and they have made me the person I am today.

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. A week and a half ago. Work really, really, really got me going.

It really gets UNDER my skin......

I was watching an episode of the oh so wonderful television programming that MTV has to offer us. The show 16 and Pregnant was on last night and I stopped on it as I was flipping through the channels. First of all, I have HUGE issues with TV shows like this. I am not saying that I have anything against someone who has had a child as a teenager because I have a few friends that did. But my issue is more along the lines of how the topic of teen pregnancy is being presented in this show.

The episode last night was about a 16 year old girl named Leah who had been dating her boyfriend at the time (and future baby daddy) for only a month before she found out she was pregnant. I caught the episode after it had been on for about thirty minutes so the girl's twin baby girls were already born and the focus was now on the relationship between her and the father of the children and the drama between the two of them. I have issues with the fact that the show is showing these idiot girls that are horrible parents to their kids and in this girl's case, she complains constantly about how she just wants to be a teenager and go out and have fun with all of her friends. Sure she is changing their diapers and feeding them but she complains to her friends about how horrible it is and she just wishes she didn't have to do those things. The father of the twins in this case is older than her, has a job, and actually has stepped up to the responsibility of taking care of his children. Usually, you don't see the father actually wanting anything to do with the kids! So props to the guy in last night's episode for being a real daddy to his girls!

I understand that the show is trying to portray how hard it is to raise kids when you're still a kid yourself but I really don't feel that they are doing a good representation of just how much work it takes. A TV series isn't going to get it through a teenager's head that raising a baby is freaking hard to do when you can't even take care of yourself on your own. I guess it just frustrates me because I know of people who have had kids before they were ready to and I have seen first hand how hard it is for them to raise these kids. These teens don't think about the emotional impact having a child will make on them. I know that shit happens and that sometimes people get pregnant even when they take the proper precautions but geeeeeeeeeeeez. There are far too many girls in our country alone that actually think having kids at that young of an age is something that they want to do!

I am 26 years old and I am still not completely at a financially stable point in life where I could support a baby with no problem at all. I make enough money that I could do it, but there are still things I would like to have before having a baby. Like be married, get my car paid off, buy a house, etc. I can't imagine being able to plan any of these things around a child. I would obviously if I had to but I just can't imagine bringing a child into this world knowing that I am not ready for him or her to even exist.

We need to educate teens about safe sex instead of preaching to them that they should remain abstinent because we all know that is not going to happen. The resources are made readily available to these young girls so that they can take the precautions to be safe but I don't think that there is enough being done to educate them about it. Just one of the many problems with society that I know will probably NEVER get resolved but this  is something that I know I WILL teach my children about one day. 

That is my rant for the week. Thank you and good day.

I'm a little bit country, she's a little bit........insane.

I'm slightly obsessed with Oxygen's true crime TV show Snapped. I can sit and watch a marathon of episodes for hours and hours. The boyfriend is completely creeped out by the show and refuses to watch it with me. He literally BEGS me to change the channel. He says watching a show about how crazy women kill their husbands and boyfriends freaks him out! While the show is obviously creepy and demented, I find it very interesting to see how time and time again women think that they can get away with the "ultimate" murder like they have no chance of getting caught.

Plus, if I should ever feel the need to kill off my boyfriend I can definitely say I know exactly what NOT to do.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Love you, Macaroo!

I also find it funny that this network has so much programming devoted to all the crazy biotches of the world. Then again, I do contribute to the number of viewers watching.

And for the love of GOD, I am sooooooooooo tired of these stupid Flirty Girl Fitness commercials. It disturbs me.

I have just discovered "United States of Tara". Thanks, Netflix!

Never enough time for sleep. Ever.

The Price of Beauty.

I happened to catch a repeat showing of the first episode of Jessica Simpson's new reality show, The Price of Beauty on VH1 Sunday night. And I have to say that I really enjoyed it. It was very interesting to see someone that we see so often scrutinized in the media spotlight because of her celebrity status, exploring a topic like this. We live in a society where our popular culture is so focused and obsessed on external beauty and how it is the only way to truly achieve happiness in our daily lives. In my teen years, I was really obsessed and focused on the latest fashion and makeup trends and really found myself wanting to be like what I saw in magazines and on TV. Pop culture was embedding in my brain that it was completely normal to want to be like someone else.

It's very interesting to see how in just the first episode of the show how the women of different cultures are obsessed with beauty just as much and maybe even more so than American women are. Beauty traditions have been practiced for years and years and are standard to their ways of life. Simpson travels to Thailand and goes shopping at the local market to see what types of beauty products women use. There is an obsession in that culture to wear makeup and use cosmetic products that help to lighten skin or to give the appearance of it being lighter. That is the complete opposite of American culture and our obsession with being tan!

They speak to a woman who used to be a singer and was very obsessed with lightening her dark skin and was willing to use any product she could get her hands on. The product discolored her skin in several places and she explained how she lost her singing career and her husband left her because she was no longer considered beautiful to him. Her story brought tears to my eyes and I couldn't help but cry at the thought of wanting so badly to be what someone else tells you is beautiful. It really made me reflect on what we as a society collectively believe to be beautiful.

It really made me reflect on my own obsession with the little things that I don't like about myself. Ultimately, I think that it is almost impossible to change the way women feel about their own body image when there is no way to escape what we see in both everyday life as well as in the media. I have fallen victim time and time again to this myself but I think that as I have gotten older I began to not care as much and let it impact my life anymore. There comes a point in life, where you have your "pretty days" and your "ugly days" and I believe there really is no way to get away from that. But I feel like if you really, really, really try to focus more on being happy with what you have that life really is so much more enjoyable! Easier said than done, I know! Trust me....I know. But realistically, I am trying to think of all the wasted tears I have personally spent on crying over the fact that I put on a few pounds or the fact that my hair got rained on and is now a big frizzy poofball because I forgot to bring an umbrella with me on a potential rainy day.

POINTLESS! I never make resolutions but this year I have really shifted the focus more on not necessarily making myself a better person by focusing on my appearance but making myself a HEALTHY person. I started working out again not just purely for making my physical appearance better but for my general health and fitness. I want to be more active so that when I go hiking or camping I am not completely exhausted from 30 minutes of physical activity like I was last summer! I decided to make a lifestyle change instead of a superficial body image change and it has made all the difference.

I think you should check out Simpson's new show if you haven't. It airs Monday nights @ 9 p.m. central/10 p.m.eastern and replays again throughout the week on VH1.

Ugh. Really not enough words to describe how I feel right now. Mad. Sad. Hurt. To name a few.

9 pounds down!!!!! I thought I hit a plateau but I think I gained as much muscle as I was losing in pounds which wasn't reflecting on the scale. I feel good and I'm starting to notice my muscles firming up! Yay!

Spring fever.

It's getting close. I can feel it! I'm ready to be outdoors and go hiking and camping! Winter tends to make me really down and depressed pretty much every SINGLE year. And I feel really bad because Mac has to put up with it! Poor guy! I become this social recluse and I basically refuse to answer my phone when people call [or call anyone for that matter] or have the want to go out and do things. I just get into this ridiculous funk that takes me a month or two to get out of. Every year, I tell myself that I am not going to let it happen and yet it always does. I'm not very good at keeping promises to myself. Hence, why I never make promises to myself or New Year's Resolutions in the first place because there is no point!

But in light of my funk, I have been coming out of it slowly but surely. Working out has really drastically improved my mood. I physically feel a lot better now that I have gotten back into the routine. I suffer from insomnia from time to time and working out really makes a difference on my sleeping habits. I actually stay asleep almost the entire night instead of waking up multiple times in the middle of the night! I have these horrific periods of insomnia every few months or so and it really takes a tole on me because then it makes it hard for me to get motivated to want to do ANYTHING!

I am excited for the next few months. I am a bridesmaid in my friend Mandie's wedding on April 9th and I am also taking that whole week off to help and celebrate the festivities. I am pretty excited about that....I'm sure Mac will be, too. He is the only boyfriend I have ever had [or guy that I know] that actually doesn't mind going to weddings. He hates when I tell people this but he loves to dress up for them. For my bff's wedding in '08, he was so excited he had to go buy a new outfit for the occasion! Mac actually cares about his appearance which is a good thing but sometimes he makes me feel under dressed when we have a dinner and a movie date night! Ha, ha. But that's ok, I love him anyway. :)

And May 1st, Mac and I signed up to do our first 5k, I Run For The Party in Nashville with Candace and a few other people that I know that signed up. I don't plan on running but maybe by then I will actually be able to jog or possibly run some of it? By then I will be almost done with P90X so I should be able to do handle it physically. Can't wait!

It's getting better all the time.

I feel myself getting stronger slowly but surely as I progress through the P90X program. However, last week I had a minor setback due to a stomach virus I had on Thursday. It made me pretty much physically drained for the rest of the week and I couldn't bring myself to do a single workout. So I only completed 3 of the 6 workouts. Better than nothing I suppose. I plan on doing an extra week to make up for it. So this week is a redo of week 3.

I have lost a total of 7 pounds so far and I almost wish I would have measured myself so I could see inches as well. But I think that taking pictures every couple of weeks is going to mean a whole lot more to me than the number I see on the scale. It's not the number on the scale I am necessarily worried about. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and not be depressed that I'm 26 and not in as shape as I really want to be. I want to be able to go hiking in the summer and not be completely exhausted after 20 minutes of walking. I want to build up my physical tolerance overall!

I started out getting back in shape slowly and I really think that has made all of the difference. I started taking yoga with Candace one day a week  back in December at the rec center and then I progressed myself up to two classes a week.  I also had started doing a couple of P90X workouts a week as well to try to get over some of the initial (and PAINFUL) extreme soreness that comes along with the program. And then two weeks ago I started the program completely. I have a hard time being able to work out first thing in the morning usually so I end up doing all of my workouts after work and at night. But so far it is going just fine. I actually WISH I could start working out before I get my day started. Maybe as I progress into the program I will be able to do that.

I decided to take pictures of my P90X progress.....very, very depressing is all I can say. My weight is fluctuating like crazy and has been doing so a lot over the last 4 days. Water weight is the cause I believe. I hope that taking pictures to monitor my progress will help to keep me motivated. Here we go!!!!!!

So, I began my yearly anti- resolution routine by claiming I wouldn't make any resolutions to better myself.....even though there are things I struggle to change in myself for the better! As I get older, the struggle with my weight has continued. I feel quite ashamed to be 26 years old and in such poor shape! I can stick to routines if I try but life always seems to get in the way and I give up. I have made excuse after excuse as to WHY I cannot do this! And as I have packed on the pounds, I decided to buckle down and make the change.

I started eating better and taking yoga a couple of times a week almost three months ago. I wanted to start slow so I wouldn't get frustrated and want to quit. I have now re-committed myself to the P90X workout and just completed my first week of phase one. I am FINALLY going to do this and am looking forward to seeing myself transform into a better and healthier me!

I often feel like a 50-something year old trapped in a 26-year-old's body sometimes. I am rocking out to music from the early to mid 60s while the majority of people around me are using the word "like" for every other word in their conversations. This is probably one reason I am still in college. I get fed up with the majority of my generation way too easily and this in turn caused all of my semesters off over the last 7 years.

I really hate when people put themselves in stupid situations and then want to cry to everyone they know and expect them to feel sorry for them! Excuse me for not giving a shit! As my parents have repeated to me as I was growing up, "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it."

"Forgiveness.....is more than saying sorry."

Isn't it though? I contemplate the concept of forgiveness at least once or twice a week. Why? I guess because it just becomes one of those complicated subjects that some people spend countless hours, minutes, seconds over analyzing. I happen to be one of those types of people that over analyze every little thing. At some point or another in our lives we run into certain events that take place that cause us to either forgive someone or someones for something they did to us or to perhaps someone close to us. But how exactly do we go about handling the forgiveness process?

For everyone it's different of course. I, for one, have a very hard time being able to move on past something that effects my day to day living. The concept of "forgive and forget" just doesn't go over very well with me. I remember EVERYTHING in extreme detail that has caused some sort of riff in my life and I have a very hard time being able to move past something. I guess for the most part, these things typically aren't something that can so easily be forgotten. It isn't that I don't want to be able to move forward....I do. I just am ashamed that I have become such a weak person that would rather curl up under a blanket and hide from the world instead of dealing with my "demons".  2009 was a rough year for me in more ways than I can count and the tough part is that I never saw any of it coming.

If time heals all wounds, then why months later do I find myself still hurting?

To blog, or not to blog. That is the question.

I have debated now for quite sometime about whether or not to hop back onto the blogging bandwagon since abandoning my days of Xanga years and years ago. I write every single day most of the time in a journal. I have a very huge collection of journals that I have been writing in for the last twelve years of my life. Not really writing for any particular type of audience in mind, just something I have done for so long it has become a daily part of my life.

I see it as an outlet. A way to share my feelings, thoughts, ideas, etc. with the whoever is willing to listen....or in this case read. So I guess in a way this is my introduction blog. I am not exactly sure what my intentions behind this blog are or will become but for now I just know that it will be another outlet for my writing.

So, hello to the world of blogspot. Glad to be here!